PANIC
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Mostly Harmless. Occasionally Accurate.
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Reporting improbability since this morning.
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Social Media
The GuideBy The HitchbloggerLeave a comment
Infinite Improbability Engine, Lite Version Social media platforms, operated by benevolent corporations with reassuringly abstract names like Meta Platforms and X, had effectively replaced the need for physical travel across the galaxy. Why explore strange new worlds when you could scroll past them? The Infinite Improbability Drive, once capable of turning missiles into bowls of petunias, had been quietly outperformed by something far more powerful: the For You feed.
Truth
The GuideBy The HitchbloggerLeave a comment
Deprecated Feature Truth, once considered a stable reference point, had been downgraded to a customizable setting. Users could now select from: Few users read the terms and conditions. Fewer understood them. Back on Earth, the situation continued. It always did.
The News
The GuideBy The HitchbloggerLeave a comment
Now with Optional Reality News, once a linear narrative of events, had evolved into a competitive sport involving speed, outrage, and font selection. Entire galaxies of information collided hourly, producing black holes of context from which no nuance could escape. In this environment, the Zapped Beeble thrived magnificently. Every statement generated: This could turn: All in under 2.3 seconds.
Zapped Beeble
The GuideBy The HitchbloggerLeave a comment
(n.) A Zapped Beeble is a rare political phenomenon characterized by: Unlike the original two-headed variety, the Zapped Beeble required no additional anatomy to generate confusion. It simply existed loudly enough. Meanwhile, Earth itself had undergone a subtle but important shift. Where once people had looked up at the stars and wondered about their place in the universe, they now looked down at their screens and wondered why someone was wrong. Entire civilizations of opinion rose and fell between breakfast and lunch. Some of them had hashtags.
Earth
The GuideBy The HitchbloggerLeave a comment
Mostly Harmless, Still Online Earth, a small blue-green planet best known for inventing both streaming platforms and existential dread in roughly the same decade, had recently achieved a new evolutionary milestone. It had become entirely incapable of distinguishing between reality and a well-edited short video. This was considered progress. Humans, the dominant species (a conclusion reached after a rigorous process of asking themselves), had developed an extraordinary ability to compress all known knowledge into formats under 30 seconds, while simultaneously extending arguments indefinitely. No one was entirely sure how this worked, but it appeared to be powered by a combination…